pieces of me and shit i call life

I don't know.

2010-05-16T23:34:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking alot about letting you go. I know I still care about you, and I know that I love you. I just can't see myself WITH you anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love you. I love everything about you and all the little things that I didnt know. I love the bad things and the goofy things and things that aren't even important. But what I realize is that I just love you. Theres nothing else, nothing that draws me to you anymore. IDk, maybe its just my life right now because somehow some way I keep running back to you. It sucks that I wish you can see how much I care, and worry about you. Idk, i'm just so confuse right now.

19.

2010-03-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

NINE TEEN. So far its been so bad. I can't even explain how I feel. Oh boy. =/

Honestly

2010-03-20T01:06:00.001-07:00

It's draining me. I can't breathe. This thing with you and me, it's driving me crazy. I see myself slowly losing it. Mentally. Emotionally. Constant disappointments, heartaches, frustrations, anticipations blah blah and etc. I feel like my heart is about to explode sometimes. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM when im with you. All I do know is that I love being around you, and i'm sad when i'm not. As simple as that sound, why is it so complicated? =(

Sometimes I feel like its better off if I just stop seeing you all together..

2010-03-14T22:14:00.001-07:00

The only time i like writing in here is to write about you.
Because in the back of my mind, I don't want to forget about anything that involves you.

2010-03-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

But I'm so happy when I'm with you...
It's just sooooo hard to not love you.
Im trying so hard to just love you as a friend

but days like this is just hard.

maybe its just best that we aren't close..

2010-01-06T07:27:00.000-08:00

I hate stupid girls. You think your the only ones who been in love.
You stay hoping he'll change, hoping that if he just loved you more he'll stay.
Ugh I hate how pathetic you loook. Who are you. You werent like this 4 months ago.

2009-12-17T22:58:00.001-08:00

THANK THE LORD I PASS MY MATH!

2009-12-07T01:29:00.000-08:00

Im not sure how i feel. i don't know what im going to do, or where my life is headed.alot of people are telling me this is bad. but i feel like everything has its own place in this world, and whatever mine is, i'll end up where i should be. I dont know why i have this certainty. Maybe i'm just fooling myself. Idk.

I'm scared. But I'm always scared so thats nothing new.
Lately I wanna get a tattoo saying "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." by Dorothy Thompson. or

Swedish proverb:

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

I hate growing up, its super scary.

rant. dream.

2009-11-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

ever had one of those dreams that felt so real that sometimes you dont even wanna wake up. thats how i felt today. i kinda wanna remember this dream, because i felt so happy in it. genuinely happy. Maybe its the fact that you were in it. idk. ugh

I cant believe after all these years i still have a funny crush on you. its kinda pathetic, and sad because ive always admire you from a far yet you wont see me as anything more than a sister.

In my dream.. [to what i can remember most and that also felt so real to me]
It started when i was at home having a fight with my mom about something.. i cant recall what but i ended up crying so hard, and decided to leave my house. It was raining outside and i needed to walk somewhere... See someone, go somewhere happy. I didnt walk far because i ended up at this house that seemed only a couple blocks away from my house. I rang the doorbell but no one answered, i check to see if the door was locked but it wasnt and i just went it. I walked around and was wondering where you were (i think i didnt even know who to expect to be living there but in the back of my mind i wanted to see you) and all the sudden, you came in. My heart dropped, i was surprise, my whole body went numb because you were exactly the only and right person i want to see. (and i didnt even realize it) I smiled at you and cried and just saying "why"(i have no idea why i was asking you that).. You opened your arms and told me to hug you. (I remember this part so well because it felt so real) I ran to you and you just hugged me..and thats when i felt like i couldnt breathe, it felt like everything around us was busy but it didnt matter cus it was just you and me at that moment.. like you were never going to let go, yet i felt like something was going to take you away.. I ended up crying, so hard and you said that its going to be okay, ..then somene knocked on the door and i woke up.

I woke up with tears in my eyes and that freaked me out. I thought my feelings for you had already burn out into a brother sister type love. So why was I having that dream? This whole day i can't seem to get it out of my head. I wanted to force myself to dream again but i've already power nap a good 9 hours today (why im up at 450 am)

How many times have i tried so hard to let you go. To stop myself and be like no, its impossible he would never see me that way. It hurts a lot sometimes. Liking you so much yet pretending i dont really care about you.. its so tiring. For so long i've pretended. I feel so pathetic.

Sometimes i feel like people see right through me, and knows how much i reallly like you. The 'show' i put when im in front of you is so tiring and overwhelming cus at the end of the day i only hurt myself. If only you see and looked at me, like really look, will you notice how happy i am when your around. How you just being there give me this incredible feeling inside that i'm not even sure how to explain. But you dont, you cant see me, im completely invisible to you.
I have so much love for you. It's so overwhelming like my heart is heavy but my mind is blank..

ok i need to stop. if only i could sleep and never have to wake up from my dreams,
but its just full of lies that i give myself for more disappointments and heartaches.

that shit is getting old.

2009-11-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate depress fucking bitches who always fucking complains!
shut the fuck up already and live. Maybe even laugh a bit or crack a REAL smile.
Trying so hard to be so fucking tough, when you know what.. NO ONE CARES.
I've realize what bullshit you keep feeding me.

depress people are fucking selfish ass bitches! Stop thinking about just yourself and how the world is out there to get you. STFU and deal. Life sucks for everyone, its either your strong enough to make it, or it will fucking break you into two bitch.

2009-10-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Things have changed so much in the past year.
I don't know if i'm sad about how we used to be; or happy for what's in my life now.

knowing theres someone like you out there..

2009-09-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

I know my standards are high, but i CAN NOT and WILL NOT settle for less.
I'm 100% sure of what i want, and i don't care how looong i have to wait.. i'll wait

I know what truly matters to me, at least to me..
What's important and what makes me feel good inside.
My little hope. My little happiness.

i will not fall into temptations. i will not. i can not.
i hope i don't have to wait long. =/

i just really want to see what else is out there
this place this area this culture these people...
its suffocating.
i refuse to be stuck here.

So many good quotes in this movie.

2009-08-30T04:24:00.000-07:00

I've recently watch The Tracy Fragments movie, its trippy, and not your ordinary movie scene, but it's fucking awesome it makes you think deep and stuff.

Im not ready to be in love.

2009-08-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

"One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass." - Tracey Berkowitz

I hate being afraid.

2009-08-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society. I never said to be like me, I say to be like you and make a difference.- Marilyn Manson

2009-07-27T00:44:00.000-07:00

your happy, im happy.

Things are looking good. I'm living it to the fulllllllest and i have no regrets :)

2009-07-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

" the more you suffer the more you learn"
.. this quote is fucking ridiculous, how many times do i have suffer and how many times do i have to fucking learn.

i should be a damn genius right about now with all this bullshit you do..

Here we go again.

2009-07-04T00:33:00.000-07:00

"The day you finally decide to love me will be the day
after the day I have given up on chasing you"

This is so frustrating. For all those fucking times, all those times i stood by you through hell and back. You knew you always had me. You could have molded me to anything you wanted me to be. I revolved my whole other world to you. our world. & you toke it for granted. fuck. fuck. fuck. I hated that i played the stupid girl for so long. I gave you everything. My body, blood, heart and soul. UGHHHH, I hate myself for allowing this shit to happen again, i should've known, i should've stop this. But no, i gave us a go AGAIN. AND AGAIN you leave my heart bleeding. WHAT ELSE CAN i fucking do. what else...

I thought things were going to be different, i thought i could handle, i thought you changed.
Yet i still kept pushing, still being an optimist. STILL BEING THE PASSIVE PUSHOVER STUPID BITCH. I don't know. Oh my god this hurts soo bad, i wanna throw up. I'm so tired of this shit. Im tired of this cycle.

I love you, but i dont know if i could do this again...
"nothing last forever, but i'll always love you.."

everything seems like a dream

2009-06-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

Class of `09 let it fucking rain!

My parents and siblings are the shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
I love them with all my motherfucking heart and soull!
at the end of the day, its they who matter the mooost!!!
To all my pinsans, shit you guys are the bombdiggity!
Thanks for coming out and getting soaked!
To my lovesies, I LOVESIES FOR LIFE!
To my girls, i miss yous i still love yous, i'll be seeing you around.

<3
i love my fucking life. let it rain let it rain, nothing can ruin my parade.

2009-06-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

making good LOOOVE.
is what its ALWAYS about.
if you don't get it, you don't know me at all.

2009-06-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

its already june.
its about time.

My ears went numb.

2009-05-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

ALL I HEAR IS BLAHBLAHBLAH UNTIL JUNE 23!

I liked it better when you were alone.
people looked better when they're alone.

You get lost in a crowd.
it should've been just me and u.
not with your friends too.

2009-05-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

WE ARE NEVER AS MATURE AS WE THINK WE ARE!

i enjoy being immature, i embrace it love it eat it!

2009-05-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

Quod me nutrit me destruit

Addicted

2009-05-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

So locked in a daze, I can't concentrate in school, just thinking about our weekend we been through.I dont wanna sound like a dumb fallen bitch, but you already got me starting it.

i must admit you got me going hard for you.
I LOVE MY LIFE!<3333333333333

2009-05-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

CALLL THE FUCKING WAAAHH'MBULANCE!
I got slugs for snitches, No love for bitches.

2009-05-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

“I wish I could find people who just would fight me and break through to me and hold me down and scream their life into my face”
-Angelina Jolie.

Quote of the day.

2009-05-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

"Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry."
-neyo

2009-05-01T13:18:00.001-07:00

People who never been in love will never understand.
They don't have a heart .

-kimmy.

random is never a bad thing!

2009-03-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

FTSK 'whoa oh (me vs. everyone)'

So today's weather is AHHHMAZING. - kindof. lolz.

Chill'ed with random people today. Like verrrry random. I find myself hanging out more and more with people i never thought i would. I guess that happens when your 'friends' start pissing you the fuck off. I admit its not always them, sometimes its my own fault. I find any damn exuse to be upset, when i need to suck it up and move the fuck on. He keeps telling how to just go with the flow of things. Its hard when im such an emotional bitch... which sucks cus i heard the older you get the more fucking sensitive we will be. Take our parents for example. Ugh. Its getting better tho.

I was looking at random blogs which lead me to a really cool websit about nails.. here are a couple that i would get =D

Shit is 50 dollars!

This is 30!

Haha yeah its like those asian shit nails. I think it looks hot.
Anyways.. uhhh im pretty up because i had a caramel frappuccino. Bangin as stuff.

Uhms so yeah thats all i really gotta say.
i want summer to come already :(

-oh and my daddy fixed my internet.. =)

sacrifices, and a whole lot of bullshit.

2009-02-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

Alright so lent is here to all those who have a catholic faith! I'm still undecided about how i feel about my religion. Obviously not that strong about it, but i decided to sacrifice a a few things in my hectic life. Why am i doing this? I'm not sure. But for some reason, it feels good to let some things go. Or to just put some type of discipline to myself. Whatever it is, it just simply makes me feel good.

So i gave up
1. Myspace and Facebook.
So far so good. even tho there were times that i was this close to slip! I'm like fighting not to go on! so addictive. 0geeez and its only been like 3 days!

2. Give up red meats!
Ex, pigs, cows, lamb, etc! only poultry!

3.Give up cursing...
(did not work out, i had to remove this, lol. i mean c'mn look at the tittle of this blog.)

4, Paying it forward.
Go this idea from Rob. Just simply make myself better... put more effort in alot of stuff i do. Like stuff with family, friends, school, attitude, etc... just try to be more of a better person.

I'll finish the second part of this blog tomorrow, since i have no where else i really can go except youtube, and aim and other non MS & FB sites. oh the joy to self inflicted pains

edit feb28 4:17pm

I feel so confuse. Every time i think im doing the right thing, it ends up being wrong. Or i think its wrong? Ugh i'm completely indecisive about things. I feel like the issues i am going through right now, is not even worth being an issue. But then again, it matters to me.

I think.. I'm mad that it hurts me this much. That i care about it this much. I swear it feels like im always being screwed over like this. Again and again that im realizing that its my fault. I'm just "too nice", and its not like i really say no. It's my fault for assuming you can read my mind when i feel like something is wrong.

Why does it feel like you don't care. People keep asking me why are you still friends with them if you hate what their doing to you so much? -- I guess the only reason i could say is that we had so many memories and so many first times with each other. I'm hanging on. Just because i know how it feels to lose friends and end up regretting that decision. I want to be fully prepared and be without a doubt, positively sure about what i should do.. and right now that's leading me to just move on and concentrate on myself.

Someone pointed out that i am growing up. Stuff their doing is what i did in middle school! Its so lame, and just pathetic. It calls for DESPERATE! Ugh. I feel like im so over it. I'm growing up, i'm not going to wait on them if they don't even have the decency to atleast be a friend to me. Because what kind of friends screw over the others? It's fucked up and you know it. I need neeed to move on. I need to stop being such a pushover, for the fact that you take advantage of me being a pushover. Were seperating in our own ways, and fine.. I'll meet new people and so will the both of you. I've already have. I wil not fuck up my senior year just cus you two did. You think your actions don't affect anyone, when they really do.

... but then again, how would you know if i never open my mouth.

Your toxic comes slipping underr...

2009-02-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

Wow, havent wrote in a while. Been pretty busy with school and just to damn lazy to write. I think im probably going to have more time to write in here soon and im excited!

I gotta show you the color of my room that i recently will be painting, so i'll do a before and after pics. =)

Uhm my birthday is coming soooooon ugh i cannot wait.
bye !

superbowl seafood sunday

2009-02-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

Alright so superbowl is not important to my family as it is to the other millions of Americans out there.
We didnt have a huge party and foods for it, there was no hype, and to be honest, if my english teacher didnt tell me it was this sunday i would have not even know it was the super bowl.

Today was a typical sunday with really nothing much to do.
Oh except that i really need to study for my english exam yet iam being stupid and procrastinating. Like right now for example.

anyways i went to costco today with the family. I picked up some good seafood to munch on. Even tho my diet starts today.. i still ate what i wanted =(
Its so tempting!

Here are the regrettable yet so satisfying pictures of the food i ate..

Hehehehe, it was gooooood. Especially that shrimp salad! yumyum

My brother agreed! :)

Anyways after costco me and my family went to walmart. I just bought a calendar and something to organize my shit in.

I got this at the art section :)

I put my earring in it.

&then decided to put some of my eyeshadows ... =P

Oh and i decided not to explain about last blog (:
fuck it and whatever drama it brings.

exams are stressful.

2009-01-27T17:01:00.000-08:00

Exams are fucking sad. I can't really explain right now because my fucking computer is not working right. The internet is all fucking shitty. Right now i am at barnes and nobles using my sister's friend Mateusz cell phone that has internet. It is working splendidly. No it is not a sidekick or a iphone. Anyways i'll write more when i can. I gotta go back to studying and more studing.. Ugh i pray for a snow storm just to have more time to study. Damn me for my procastination disease. Yes i diagnose myself. Lol cus who knows me better than myself, right? =)

10:09pm
fustrated.

I have no internet in the house and its annoying writing in this word pad for the time being. I'll obviously post this when i do get it back. I have a feeling that my dad did something to the internet just to prevent me from slacking. BUT obviously i am still procastinating even without the damn internet. It just now very very inconvinent. I am so desperate that i went to our local public libary to use the internet, only to find out that MOST of my favorite sites are BLOCKED. It fucking blows. I can't wait to leave this town.

So, my chem-com exam is tomorrow and i have not studied. I have a little, tiny hope that it will snow just enough to cancel school. It is probably not going to snow at all. And I will most likely regret doing this, but i have no motivation to study. I am so worn out. I can't believe i waited last min to study. ugh.

I feel like i never get to fully finish my blogs. Things lately have been so crazy.

I guess for now this is all i have to say, and i will just sum up my week by friday. I hope by then my internet works.
BTW, The office is hilarious! Its fucking brilliant and makes me laugh with joy.

Around 11:22pm
-its not snowing and there are no signs it will snow anytime soon. So, i guess that i will have school and i will most likely take the damn tests tomorrow. Plus, to totally shatter all my hopes, my mother came up to remind me even more that there will be school since the news didnt report anything about having no school.

blah i need to take a shower.

Sundays are dreadfuulllll.

2009-01-25T11:18:00.000-08:00

2:18pm
Church was uncomfortable as always. Gabe was with us this time. My baby brother may just be one but sure has a loud mouth of a 10 year old. Boy can he scream when he is mad. Most stubborn spoiled cutest twerp in the world.
Anyways i saw old new and not so good friends. I didnt stop much to say hi. I left before it was completely done to get the car and bring to the front cus mother was complaining how cold it was for my brother. So as always, (finding any excuse to leave early) I got the car. I feel bad. I wish i had a better faith, and felt strongly about religion as most people. I guess im not one of them. I hate it when mother forces me to go. I wish she could make me decide for myself.

Im mad that i ate a gallon today. This morning i controlled myself not to have rice before we go to church and so i ate a bowl of cereal. I was very pleased. Then after church i ate the damn rice and beef. I say i ate more th 5 bowls! fuckitty fuck fuck. so thats like 30 pounds there! ugh. i swear. starting right now i will change. I think its cus in new years i didnt really make any effort to change myself or have any resolution. I'll make my list now.

The following, I will NOT....
1. Eat beef till i lose atleast 10 pounds.
2. Eat past 6pm
3. Make pointless conversations with unimportant people
4. FALL OFF THE DIET WAGON.
5. Slip into any temptations with asswholes and jerks.

... for now this. I need to studay for my Alg2 exam tomorrow.

new blog. how refreshing.

2009-01-24T21:38:00.001-08:00

Yes im very satistfied with this. Very refreshing. I needed a blogspot. I needed somewhere to jot down the crazy shittyness that clouds my head everyday. I needed somewhere to let out my fustrations and ramble on about pointless shit just so i dont lose my mind and take my fustrations out on my dear friends and family. The previous blog felt to used and damaged and ehhhh. I didnt like the name either. It was all crap. ugh. crap crap crap.

Anyways finals are this week and im going fucking crazy. Im not prepared(as always) and i know shit about what im doing. (meaning im fucking screwed) I dont feel prepared and thats NEVER a good thing. I need this stupid shit of a math class to fucking graduate. i swear this school system is crap. the school is crap. the people a even worse than crap. Ugh. Im so excited to leave yet i know i will miss it. (only of my youth; fuck everything else, i could live without ever going through stupid shit of teenage drama.)

I was at barnes and nobles today, seriously one of my favorite places in union. Its not even in union its in springfield so yeah. I love going there, its so chill. Anyways i was suppose to study for alg2, but lauren had my damn review sheet! lol so at first i tried getting the learning books (like study guides and etc) for the subject but i couldnt concentrate, so i decided to walk around and look for good books i could read. I went to the sex section, i love that section, i was a bit shy when someone would come by, so i pretend i would look at the relationship parts and not so much on xxx things lol. i dont know why i did, maybe cus they would think im some twisted teenager who loves to fuck. Whatever. I stumbled on a couple of good books but one in particular. I was fasinated by this book called "Dairy of a sex fiend" girl with a one track mind by Abby Lee. It was very entertaining and i couldnt stop reading it. I would have bought it, but with this crap recession i decided not to and just come back to read it there. Hehehe think money smart, and thats whaat i wanna start to do.

I wish i had this much to say when it came to my research report paper that i did not do. Another reason why i should study instead of being in the fucking computer. Ugh. I am really starting to concider myself fucking retarted, cus iam always putting myself in these shitty butt crunching situations. GAHWD IM SUCH A MESSS.