rant. dream.

ever had one of those dreams that felt so real that sometimes you dont even wanna wake up. thats how i felt today. i kinda wanna remember this dream, because i felt so happy in it. genuinely happy. Maybe its the fact that you were in it. idk. ugh

I cant believe after all these years i still have a funny crush on you. its kinda pathetic, and sad because ive always admire you from a far yet you wont see me as anything more than a sister.


In my dream.. [to what i can remember most and that also felt so real to me]
It started when i was at home having a fight with my mom about something.. i cant recall what but i ended up crying so hard, and decided to leave my house. It was raining outside and i needed to walk somewhere... See someone, go somewhere happy. I didnt walk far because i ended up at this house that seemed only a couple blocks away from my house. I rang the doorbell but no one answered, i check to see if the door was locked but it wasnt and i just went it. I walked around and was wondering where you were (i think i didnt even know who to expect to be living there but in the back of my mind i wanted to see you) and all the sudden, you came in. My heart dropped, i was surprise, my whole body went numb because you were exactly the only and right person i want to see. (and i didnt even realize it) I smiled at you and cried and just saying "why"(i have no idea why i was asking you that).. You opened your arms and told me to hug you. (I remember this part so well because it felt so real) I ran to you and you just hugged me..and thats when i felt like i couldnt breathe, it felt like everything around us was busy but it didnt matter cus it was just you and me at that moment.. like you were never going to let go, yet i felt like something was going to take you away.. I ended up crying, so hard and you said that its going to be okay, ..then somene knocked on the door and i woke up.

I woke up with tears in my eyes and that freaked me out. I thought my feelings for you had already burn out into a brother sister type love. So why was I having that dream? This whole day i can't seem to get it out of my head. I wanted to force myself to dream again but i've already power nap a good 9 hours today (why im up at 450 am)

How many times have i tried so hard to let you go. To stop myself and be like no, its impossible he would never see me that way. It hurts a lot sometimes. Liking you so much yet pretending i dont really care about you.. its so tiring. For so long i've pretended. I feel so pathetic.

Sometimes i feel like people see right through me, and knows how much i reallly like you. The 'show' i put when im in front of you is so tiring and overwhelming cus at the end of the day i only hurt myself. If only you see and looked at me, like really look, will you notice how happy i am when your around. How you just being there give me this incredible feeling inside that i'm not even sure how to explain. But you dont, you cant see me, im completely invisible to you.
I have so much love for you. It's so overwhelming like my heart is heavy but my mind is blank..

ok i need to stop. if only i could sleep and never have to wake up from my dreams,
but its just full of lies that i give myself for more disappointments and heartaches.