Im not sure how i feel. i don't know what im going to do, or where my life is headed.alot of people are telling me this is bad. but i feel like everything has its own place in this world, and whatever mine is, i'll end up where i should be. I dont know why i have this certainty. Maybe i'm just fooling myself. Idk.

I'm scared. But I'm always scared so thats nothing new.
Lately I wanna get a tattoo saying "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." by Dorothy Thompson. or

Swedish proverb:

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

I hate growing up, its super scary.

rant. dream.

ever had one of those dreams that felt so real that sometimes you dont even wanna wake up. thats how i felt today. i kinda wanna remember this dream, because i felt so happy in it. genuinely happy. Maybe its the fact that you were in it. idk. ugh

I cant believe after all these years i still have a funny crush on you. its kinda pathetic, and sad because ive always admire you from a far yet you wont see me as anything more than a sister.


In my dream.. [to what i can remember most and that also felt so real to me]
It started when i was at home having a fight with my mom about something.. i cant recall what but i ended up crying so hard, and decided to leave my house. It was raining outside and i needed to walk somewhere... See someone, go somewhere happy. I didnt walk far because i ended up at this house that seemed only a couple blocks away from my house. I rang the doorbell but no one answered, i check to see if the door was locked but it wasnt and i just went it. I walked around and was wondering where you were (i think i didnt even know who to expect to be living there but in the back of my mind i wanted to see you) and all the sudden, you came in. My heart dropped, i was surprise, my whole body went numb because you were exactly the only and right person i want to see. (and i didnt even realize it) I smiled at you and cried and just saying "why"(i have no idea why i was asking you that).. You opened your arms and told me to hug you. (I remember this part so well because it felt so real) I ran to you and you just hugged me..and thats when i felt like i couldnt breathe, it felt like everything around us was busy but it didnt matter cus it was just you and me at that moment.. like you were never going to let go, yet i felt like something was going to take you away.. I ended up crying, so hard and you said that its going to be okay, ..then somene knocked on the door and i woke up.

I woke up with tears in my eyes and that freaked me out. I thought my feelings for you had already burn out into a brother sister type love. So why was I having that dream? This whole day i can't seem to get it out of my head. I wanted to force myself to dream again but i've already power nap a good 9 hours today (why im up at 450 am)

How many times have i tried so hard to let you go. To stop myself and be like no, its impossible he would never see me that way. It hurts a lot sometimes. Liking you so much yet pretending i dont really care about you.. its so tiring. For so long i've pretended. I feel so pathetic.

Sometimes i feel like people see right through me, and knows how much i reallly like you. The 'show' i put when im in front of you is so tiring and overwhelming cus at the end of the day i only hurt myself. If only you see and looked at me, like really look, will you notice how happy i am when your around. How you just being there give me this incredible feeling inside that i'm not even sure how to explain. But you dont, you cant see me, im completely invisible to you.
I have so much love for you. It's so overwhelming like my heart is heavy but my mind is blank..

ok i need to stop. if only i could sleep and never have to wake up from my dreams,
but its just full of lies that i give myself for more disappointments and heartaches.

that shit is getting old.

I fucking hate depress fucking bitches who always fucking complains!
shut the fuck up already and live. Maybe even laugh a bit or crack a REAL smile.
Trying so hard to be so fucking tough, when you know what.. NO ONE CARES.
I've realize what bullshit you keep feeding me.

depress people are fucking selfish ass bitches! Stop thinking about just yourself and how the world is out there to get you. STFU and deal. Life sucks for everyone, its either your strong enough to make it, or it will fucking break you into two bitch.

Things have changed so much in the past year.
I don't know if i'm sad about how we used to be; or happy for what's in my life now.

knowing theres someone like you out there..

I know my standards are high, but i CAN NOT and WILL NOT settle for less.
I'm 100% sure of what i want, and i don't care how looong i have to wait.. i'll wait


I know what truly matters to me, at least to me..
What's important and what makes me feel good inside.
My little hope. My little happiness.

i will not fall into temptations. i will not. i can not.
i hope i don't have to wait long. =/

i just really want to see what else is out there
this place this area this culture these people...
its suffocating.
i refuse to be stuck here.

So many good quotes in this movie.

I've recently watch The Tracy Fragments movie, its trippy, and not your ordinary movie scene, but it's fucking awesome it makes you think deep and stuff.

Im not ready to be in love.

"One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass." - Tracey Berkowitz