It's been 3 years

It's been 3 years..
Nothing much has changed... unfortunately. I feel like things are worst.
I've hurt myself again.. something I haven't done in a very long time.
I feel numb, sad, confused and I can't seem to find a way to stop or how to even help myself.

I dont really know what to do.

I've lost alot of friends
I'm losing my relationship with my sister...
I feel so alone.

I'm not exactly sure what to do.
I feel like my depression is getting worst.. and know one even knows it.

I don't know.

Lately, I've been thinking alot about letting you go. I know I still care about you, and I know that I love you. I just can't see myself WITH you anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love you. I love everything about you and all the little things that I didnt know. I love the bad things and the goofy things and things that aren't even important. But what I realize is that I just love you. Theres nothing else, nothing that draws me to you anymore. IDk, maybe its just my life right now because somehow some way I keep running back to you. It sucks that I wish you can see how much I care, and worry about you. Idk, i'm just so confuse right now.

19.

NINE TEEN. So far its been so bad. I can't even explain how I feel. Oh boy. =/

Honestly

It's draining me. I can't breathe. This thing with you and me, it's driving me crazy. I see myself slowly losing it. Mentally. Emotionally. Constant disappointments, heartaches, frustrations, anticipations blah blah and etc. I feel like my heart is about to explode sometimes. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM when im with you. All I do know is that I love being around you, and i'm sad when i'm not. As simple as that sound, why is it so complicated? =(

Sometimes I feel like its better off if I just stop seeing you all together..

The only time i like writing in here is to write about you.
Because in the back of my mind, I don't want to forget about anything that involves you.

But I'm so happy when I'm with you...
It's just sooooo hard to not love you.
Im trying so hard to just love you as a friend

but days like this is just hard.

maybe its just best that we aren't close..

I hate stupid girls. You think your the only ones who been in love.
You stay hoping he'll change, hoping that if he just loved you more he'll stay.
Ugh I hate how pathetic you loook. Who are you. You werent like this 4 months ago.

THANK THE LORD I PASS MY MATH!

Im not sure how i feel. i don't know what im going to do, or where my life is headed.alot of people are telling me this is bad. but i feel like everything has its own place in this world, and whatever mine is, i'll end up where i should be. I dont know why i have this certainty. Maybe i'm just fooling myself. Idk.

I'm scared. But I'm always scared so thats nothing new.
Lately I wanna get a tattoo saying "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." by Dorothy Thompson. or

Swedish proverb:

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.

I hate growing up, its super scary.

rant. dream.

ever had one of those dreams that felt so real that sometimes you dont even wanna wake up. thats how i felt today. i kinda wanna remember this dream, because i felt so happy in it. genuinely happy. Maybe its the fact that you were in it. idk. ugh

I cant believe after all these years i still have a funny crush on you. its kinda pathetic, and sad because ive always admire you from a far yet you wont see me as anything more than a sister.


In my dream.. [to what i can remember most and that also felt so real to me]
It started when i was at home having a fight with my mom about something.. i cant recall what but i ended up crying so hard, and decided to leave my house. It was raining outside and i needed to walk somewhere... See someone, go somewhere happy. I didnt walk far because i ended up at this house that seemed only a couple blocks away from my house. I rang the doorbell but no one answered, i check to see if the door was locked but it wasnt and i just went it. I walked around and was wondering where you were (i think i didnt even know who to expect to be living there but in the back of my mind i wanted to see you) and all the sudden, you came in. My heart dropped, i was surprise, my whole body went numb because you were exactly the only and right person i want to see. (and i didnt even realize it) I smiled at you and cried and just saying "why"(i have no idea why i was asking you that).. You opened your arms and told me to hug you. (I remember this part so well because it felt so real) I ran to you and you just hugged me..and thats when i felt like i couldnt breathe, it felt like everything around us was busy but it didnt matter cus it was just you and me at that moment.. like you were never going to let go, yet i felt like something was going to take you away.. I ended up crying, so hard and you said that its going to be okay, ..then somene knocked on the door and i woke up.

I woke up with tears in my eyes and that freaked me out. I thought my feelings for you had already burn out into a brother sister type love. So why was I having that dream? This whole day i can't seem to get it out of my head. I wanted to force myself to dream again but i've already power nap a good 9 hours today (why im up at 450 am)

How many times have i tried so hard to let you go. To stop myself and be like no, its impossible he would never see me that way. It hurts a lot sometimes. Liking you so much yet pretending i dont really care about you.. its so tiring. For so long i've pretended. I feel so pathetic.

Sometimes i feel like people see right through me, and knows how much i reallly like you. The 'show' i put when im in front of you is so tiring and overwhelming cus at the end of the day i only hurt myself. If only you see and looked at me, like really look, will you notice how happy i am when your around. How you just being there give me this incredible feeling inside that i'm not even sure how to explain. But you dont, you cant see me, im completely invisible to you.
I have so much love for you. It's so overwhelming like my heart is heavy but my mind is blank..

ok i need to stop. if only i could sleep and never have to wake up from my dreams,
but its just full of lies that i give myself for more disappointments and heartaches.

that shit is getting old.

I fucking hate depress fucking bitches who always fucking complains!
shut the fuck up already and live. Maybe even laugh a bit or crack a REAL smile.
Trying so hard to be so fucking tough, when you know what.. NO ONE CARES.
I've realize what bullshit you keep feeding me.

depress people are fucking selfish ass bitches! Stop thinking about just yourself and how the world is out there to get you. STFU and deal. Life sucks for everyone, its either your strong enough to make it, or it will fucking break you into two bitch.

Things have changed so much in the past year.
I don't know if i'm sad about how we used to be; or happy for what's in my life now.

knowing theres someone like you out there..

I know my standards are high, but i CAN NOT and WILL NOT settle for less.
I'm 100% sure of what i want, and i don't care how looong i have to wait.. i'll wait


I know what truly matters to me, at least to me..
What's important and what makes me feel good inside.
My little hope. My little happiness.

i will not fall into temptations. i will not. i can not.
i hope i don't have to wait long. =/

i just really want to see what else is out there
this place this area this culture these people...
its suffocating.
i refuse to be stuck here.

So many good quotes in this movie.

I've recently watch The Tracy Fragments movie, its trippy, and not your ordinary movie scene, but it's fucking awesome it makes you think deep and stuff.

Im not ready to be in love.

"One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass." - Tracey Berkowitz

I hate being afraid.

I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society. I never said to be like me, I say to be like you and make a difference.- Marilyn Manson

your happy, im happy.

Things are looking good. I'm living it to the fulllllllest and i have no regrets :)

" the more you suffer the more you learn"
.. this quote is fucking ridiculous, how many times do i have suffer and how many times do i have to fucking learn.

i should be a damn genius right about now with all this bullshit you do..

Here we go again.

"The day you finally decide to love me will be the day
after the day I have given up on chasing you"

This is so frustrating. For all those fucking times, all those times i stood by you through hell and back. You knew you always had me. You could have molded me to anything you wanted me to be. I revolved my whole other world to you. our world. & you toke it for granted. fuck. fuck. fuck. I hated that i played the stupid girl for so long. I gave you everything. My body, blood, heart and soul. UGHHHH, I hate myself for allowing this shit to happen again, i should've known, i should've stop this. But no, i gave us a go AGAIN. AND AGAIN you leave my heart bleeding. WHAT ELSE CAN i fucking do. what else...

I thought things were going to be different, i thought i could handle, i thought you changed.
Yet i still kept pushing, still being an optimist. STILL BEING THE PASSIVE PUSHOVER STUPID BITCH. I don't know. Oh my god this hurts soo bad, i wanna throw up. I'm so tired of this shit. Im tired of this cycle.

I love you, but i dont know if i could do this again...
"nothing last forever, but i'll always love you.."

everything seems like a dream

Class of `09 let it fucking rain!

My parents and siblings are the shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
I love them with all my motherfucking heart and soull!
at the end of the day, its they who matter the mooost!!!
To all my pinsans, shit you guys are the bombdiggity!
Thanks for coming out and getting soaked!
To my lovesies, I LOVESIES FOR LIFE!
To my girls, i miss yous i still love yous, i'll be seeing you around.

<3
i love my fucking life. let it rain let it rain, nothing can ruin my parade.